Whirlwind

January 9, 2009 at 12:52 (Uncategorized)
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I thought I’d take a few minutes to blog before I headed back out into the mess they call weather. Seriously, what is with this snow already. Is the state literally trying to make me leave or just wanting to leave me with a lasting impression of exactly what snow looks like. Either way… I’m gonna miss it, but, that’s what mountains are for. Snow should only be seen on my terms, like on ski hills!! LOL!

Let’s see moving backwards over the last few days…

I watched SAW for the first time last night. It was crazy. I mean, I was anticipating this gorey thriller, above and beyond the Freddy movies and all I really got was an intriguing storyline with mostly bad acting… no matter the actor, famous or otherwise. I distinctly remember thinking on multiple occassions, “I’ve seen all I need to see of this, I can go to bed now.” I mean… I wanted nightmares! What is people’s fascination with this movie? The last 30 seconds, no matter how good the spin around, does not a good movie make!

And there are four more?? I’m sorry, but you can rarely go anywhere but down after the first one. The whole point to a scary movie is to be freaked out by the “new villain”. If you know who to expect and you know the modus operandi, there isn’t much left to keep ya on the edge of your seat, is there? Unless you are a special effects affecionado, which I thankfully am, you’re really gonna be bored.

Now the decision is… do I watch II, III, and IV, which I have in my hands now, or do I just say, “To the heck with it.” and send them all back to Netflix so I can get into some other movies I’ve been cheesing to see again, like “Fight Club”, “Poltergeist”, and “The Thin Red Line”?

But, on to other subjects…

This one is for you Dawg.

A few nights ago I happened to be listening to the police scanner. An officer had been dispatched out to look for a subject causing a disturbance in a particular area of the city. She hadn’t been ablt to locate the subject and was calling back into dispatch. Let me paraphrase to the best of my memory the conversation.

The officer calling in…

“Attempt to Locate a white male, 5′ 8″, 150 lbs, black hat, black jacket, black pants. If there’s another report of a problem in this area, it’s probably my guy”

Dispatch responds…

“Ninja, Can’t find him… Got it!”

Oh my God did I LAUGH!!! Who says dispatchers can’t be funny!?

Meanwhile, plans are still moving forward on the whole new job, relocation effort. I’m still scared as hell, but I also can’t wait. Last night I was driving and I opened up the visor on the sun roof and looked out and imagined seeing stars. I’ve always heard seeing the stars in the desert are the most beautiful thing. I can’t wait to test that out for myself.

I also imagined not having to wash salt off my car anymore… or shovel snow (not that I do that now) or scrape ice off my windshield… etc.

I know there are things I will miss. There’s not alot of corn fields, or dairy cows. I won’t smell fresh cut hay, or see the leaves turn colors in the fall. Things will be different, but, that’s what visits are for, not to mention memories. The most important thing in life is happiness, and truthfully that is all internal. This is a new opportunity, a new start. I’m not running away from things here, but continuing to find myself. Does it require a move? Not necessarily? But it does mean going after my dreams… and keeping the ones I already have with me. A careful balancing act. Baby steps in the right direction, choosing what to let go, and what to hold close.

Isn’t it funny. I think about the challenges, the pressure, the stress, the anxiety… and I smile! Because somewhere in my screwed up mind I know that makes me happy. I want to create a life that is on the go, eyes wide open, smiles and laughing, comfort and love… and I want a career that provides the stimulation that I need to keep me always guessing, always waiting and watching whats coming next and at the same time dealing with whats already in my lap. There is no doubt someday I will get sick of it. Then, and only then, will my heart and mind be satisfied to lay down and rest. Until then… I was raised in chaos and that is where I thrive.

BUT…. I have learned. I can create a place for myself, a stable environment. One of comfort, one of caring, one of peace. I have been shown that is possible… and then the rest of my life can scurry and buck, be crazy and chaotic, because I can go back to my home, my sanctuary… and there take refuge. I can satisfy both sides… the little girl that never grew up, that is still scared, that can’t always cope….and the wild woman that never says no to a challenge, that won’t back down, that is NEVER scared.

Lastly, before I go… I want to remark on a conversation I had last night. I have a friend. He has been my friend for over twenty years even though we’ve been separated by hundreds of miles for 90% of that. For a long while I thought he was that person that may have been the one that got away. Life separated us, but, intellectually and in personality we were suited so well. I only wondered though… because there was no spark. If there was a spark… my life covered it, or my frazeled adolescent brain missed it. There isn’t a spark now, although the friendship is still there, and I never want him to forget that he is my friend. We are still friends, I love him like a brother, and there are times I miss him and worse yet there are times when I forget what brought us together as friends because it has been so long since we’ve talked. He’s been there in my life, time and time again. Remember calling me Shakespeare, and me writing you letters listing out the menagerie on the farm?

 Although we’ve missed out on each other’s lives, and we haven’t always been there when the other needed… we still remain friends.

I would like to cultivate that friendship, but I’ve had some difficulties this year with men. What’s the worst thing about getting along with men, and having them as your friends??? They’re men!!! What’s the best thing?? Ya, that’s right, they’re MEN!

I can have only one romantic interest in my life, and I have that. In that area I am not wanting and it can only hurt me as a person, when one tries to be part of my life in that way. If you want to be my friend, then… lets call a spade a spade… be that. I have lots of room in my life for friends. But, there is to be no cajoling, no pressuring, no manipulating… I am stubborn and I know what I want, and I have it. There will be no changing my mind or wearing down my will. If anyone that wants to be my friend can dispense with that garbage, then… friends we can be. You want to pay me a compliment, so be it… but I swear… if one more guy  masquerades as my friend just to get in my pants, I’m gonna write the whole lot of you off!!!

That last little rant is not directed at any one person in particular, but if you think I’m talking about you… well…

OK.. Geez… I was just gonna sit down for a second. I guess breakfast is gonna have to wait till tomorrow. What should I have for lunch?

OH, BDL… Girl, I wish I could say I love the bed. I’ve slept on it twice and both nights tossed and turned and had nightmares all night! LOL!! I’m not gonna say its the bed…  not yet.

Colleen… I hope you’re feeling better today.

Kel… can’t wait to see you and the family. You all are still crazy for playing this time of year.

Sis!!! I love you!! I cant wait to see you. I’m looking forward to our weekend soooo much!!! You’re the greatest, thank you for being my friend!!!!

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Day Fifty

December 12, 2008 at 18:51 (Uncategorized)
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Wow – Fifty Days!!!

Dogs are dogs, but they are man’s best friend because they adapt and change for each owner.

Over the last few weeks, Ben, who has always been a snuggler, has now become a licker! Yup, he’s gone from his super-sweet nuzzles to a great little kiss on the chin. Yet, he almost never makes any noise, which I find odd because his previous person remarked that he can be a talker.

I admit, I talk to my dogs. I talk to them like I would talk to anyone else, probably more so even. I tell them what I’m doing when I’m going through the house. I ask them questions about what they’re doing and how they’re feeling, and I greet them whenever I come or go. I am a talker at heart and they don’t seem to mind.

This morning when I woke up Ben wanted to play. We have a morning routine where he sticks his big old cold nose into my warm neck and then stays there until I get out of bed. Every morning it is a power play between two very stubborn animals. I have tried to reason with him, telling him that I like to sleep till 1000. He insists that he has already compromised and 0800 is plenty late to sleep. By 0830 every morning he wins out and we go out for our morning walk.

Once I get up, rub the sleep out of my eyes and find jacket, gloves, boots, hat, poop bags, leads, etc… both he and Alley are besides themselves with Joy! I wish I could be so happy about going outside in the morning.

This morning it was in the single digits. There is something fundamentally wrong with that. I consider that extreme temperature. I mean, isn’t that considered Arctic? I think I passed a sled dog team this morning, and they were looking like they’d taken a wrong turn into too cold a climate too!!!

Ok, well, just another few hours of work and then I can go home. Sigh…

Today I had to struggle to make it to work. I really really really wanted to turn around and get back under the covers. Its warm in the apartment but I’m just in the mood to hide today. Instead, I set about trying to get some financial worries ironed out. I actually made really good headway, yet, I dont feel that much better. Maybe once I get home things will be seen in a better light.

I was reading the news today.

This story caught my eye: Hunter In Southwest Wis. Bags Wolf By Mistake

Its not that the story was that much of a shocker, but I thought that this statement seemed a tad…. obvious.  “Warden Jeffrey King, of the state Department of Natural Resources, said the mistake shows the need for coyote hunters to know the difference between the species.”  Well, um, ya… I guess that should go without saying, shouldn’t it? I mean, if I go coyote hunting, I should have some idea of what that is exactly, shouldn’t I? Just saying you’re going coyote hunting and coming home with a bald eagle, well, I mean, thats still illegal, even if my intentions were to shoot coyote.

Ignorance is not immunity from the law. Yet, lots of people seem to think that is a perfectly good defense.

Here’s another one: Ex-Nasdaq chairman arrested on fraud charge in NYC

NEW YORK – A Wall Street powerbroker for nearly 50 years who built an influential firm has confessed to a massive fraud scheme that will cost investors at least $50 billion, federal authorities say.

I don’t know about you all, but I feel bad when I realize after the fact that the store gave me incorrect change and I am $1 richer than I should be. I mean, I’m happy, but I also feel responsible.

How the heck does this guy sleep at night, knowing that he is screwing people out of $50 billion dollars? I can’t even fathom that amount of money. I have no idea what that is! This is not Superman 3, He’s not Richard Pryor milking 50 billion people out of a buck… probably not even a billion people out of 50 bucks… Bernard Madoff is taking a significant amount of money from a significant amount of people. And at 70 years old, what possible punishment can the justice system dole out? Take back his memories of living the high life on other people’s money?? Ya.. right!

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Day Forty-Nine

December 12, 2008 at 02:22 (Uncategorized)
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Its been a while, I know. When I get behind then it seems like a monumental task to blog again. Its not that I’m not thinking of you all, cuz I send music, but… I just dont find time to sit down while I’m at work. I almost never even touch the internet when I’m at home anymore. In fact I’m going to cancel my home internet simply because I might use it once a day and its nothing that I can’t just check when I get to work, or… as I plan, check on my new phone, but I’ll talk more about that later.

First off, Thanksgiving.

For Thanksgiving I went to go visit my family down south. I’ve visited my family more this year than I’ve ever visited them before. I attribute some of it to truly missing them, especially my sister and her family, and having the freedom and time to do so.

This, as best as I can recall, the first time I have sat down with my family for Thanksgiving dinner in 16 years. I mean, my mom, dad and sister. My mom visited for Thanksgiving three years ago, and we ate together then, but, its been a long time as a whole family.

It was a nice visit, as most of my visits have been lately. I stayed with my mom this time, the last few times I stayed with my sister. I’d not taken into account that my mom is an early to bed person with her job, where I am the exact opposite, a night owl because of my work hours. But, it wasn’t bad, because I was able to relax each night and just do nothing.

It’s not that I can’t do nothing when I’m at home. Its just that even if I had been stressing out about doing something, I simply couldnt. No internet, just a computer with lots of recorded TV I hadn’t gotten to watch yet and a phone with unlimited text messaging! I had lots and lots of “me” time.

I went down on Wednesday, spent Thanksgiving with my mom and then on Friday we had a meal together with my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and dad. On Saturday, with the threat of bad weather on the horizon, I dedided to head out at half time of the MU vs. KU game.

On Sunday I decided to cancel my vacation day and go into work. If I’m home I might as well go to work, right?

Here are a few pics from when I was with family.

First is my mom and sister cooking for Thanksgiving!

Sis and Mom cooking

 

Elise and Ben and I

Elise and Ben and I

 

Ben, Alley and I

My entire family loved Ben.  Which is not hard to imagine! He was a very good boy while we were there and remembered his manners. Alley and Ben both played nicely with my mom’s Weim “Jesse” and for the most part everyone got along with “Chauncey” too. Alley likes Chauncey because he plays at her speed, which is all out, all the time!

Not much has been going on since I got home. Work and snow I guess.

winter

This was our first true snowfall and that was before Thanksgiving. A few days ago we got an additional 9″ plus there is always more snow in the forecast.

The last few days I’ve been thinking about getting a new phone. I’ve looked at lots of phones and I think I finally settled on the LG enV2, which gets great reviews, but… it means I have to switch cell carriers.

I’ve had US Cellular forever and ever, but Verizon has all the same coverage as US Cellular plus lots and lots more! PLUS…  there just aren’t any phones I want from US Cellular. I might as well stick with my Motorola RAZR and I’ve had that for a few years now, and although I love it, it’s time to catch up with technology.

Well, looking at options and carriers and phones, etc. had me on Craigslist today. On a whim, while I was on Craigslist, I looked at available apartments. My lease is up at the place I’m at now at the end of January, but I had planned on signing for another 5 months, to get me into summer and move then. But, things don’t always work like we think they should.

Well, this apartment caught my eye, and I’m going to go look at it on Saturday. They accept pets and its in a really nice area, worlds better than where I am now, and it’s not any further from work. It also has a pool, fitness center and is in walking distance to a dog park. Perhaps its fate, perhaps not, but, I’m going to go look at it to find out. :)

In other news, on December 2nd, my husband and I were divorced. He is such a procrastinator… poor guy. He was there, on time, but with paperwork he was still filling out. I suppose a lawyer would have made him fill it out a bit more promptly.

We didn’t use a lawyer for our divorce. We paid not quite $200 to file the paperwork with the county and took care of the whole thing ourselves, with no other costs but fuel to drive to the courthouse on hearing day. I know some people would say, if you get along so well with someone that you can negotiate an entire divorce, including real estate and property division, perhaps you could have, or should have, stayed married. Ya, its not like the thought didn’t cross my mind.

I don’t hate my ex-husband. Not even close. I’m not a fan of his recent attitude of live it up and be a rude shallow prick to everyone, including me, but, well, he’s got to sort that out for himself. I know that deep down he cares, and deep down he’s still trying to figure this all out, what happened and where to go from here. I feel bad for him. I feel guilty for how I’ve treated him and I feel responsible for his behavior. Had I handled myself better, perhaps he wouldn’t be quite so damaged.

When I first left him I wanted him to wise up and realize he can’t treat people the way he treated me. Of course, I needed to learn the same lesson. I wanted him to just leave me alone and go away, but on the other hand he had been my best friend for the last 7 years and I wanted him to still be there for me, when he hadn’t been there for me in our marriage, but, still… his kinda being there was more than I had available to me.

Ya… I don’t know. It’s been eleven months now since I moved out and there are times where I miss the house, and fewer and fewer times where I miss him. But, I’m not as angry with him anymore either. I’ve forgiven him for all that there is to forgive and I think he has forgiven me, at least I hope so. He’s still too proud a bastard to say “I’m sorry!” but, well, miracles don’t happen everyday.

I guess what I do now is look at the future and say, where do I want to be now, where am I going? I look at my job, my hobbies, my relationships and say, “Are these what I want?”, “Are these going to get me where I want to be?” and I guess more often than not I say, “Yes!”. What more can a person ask for.

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Day Twenty-Four

November 17, 2008 at 21:27 (Uncategorized)
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Not much to report. It snowed beautifully today for about 30 minutes. It covered the ground and the cars and even a little bit on the streets. I had to get out of my work chair and go stand in it for a while! I wish I could have been home with the kids so that they could have run around in it. Now its mostly all melted with just a whisp in the corner here and there. Maybe it will snow again tomorrow.

Other than that its been a quiet last few days. Work and more work has taken up my time and I’m looking forward to a day off tomorrow.

Madama Butterfly is in town, Puccini’s opera. Every review is giving it great marks. I just dont think I can afford the tickets. There should be a charity for those of us that want to go to cultural events but cant afford it!

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